Stop Snoring Guarantee

This is supposed a preface that gets you interested in the book, but makes no sense until after you’ve read the entire book. Tell me what you think.

A scream shot out of my mouth and went through the entire house. There was a shadow of a person standing just outside my sliding glass door. I screamed again as it tapped on the door. I heard footsteps shooting down the hall. The person’s head turned slightly like it heard the footsteps too. My hallway door shot open. I looked over and saw my family gathered in my doorway. I looked back at my sliding door. The person was gone. Was I crazy? I know I saw a person there. There was a person standing just outside my door. I heard him tap on the glass. I couldn’t be crazy. Could I?

I explained everything to my family and they all get tense and a little bit fearful. Damian scouted the immediate area. The five blurs were still there, but they were closer to the house now. Aelita and Elizabeth gasped. Cornelius, Delano, and I got more worried. Who were they? This question bothered all of us deeply. We couldn’t decipher the key riddle.

After about an hour of monitoring the blurs we decided that we would go back to sleep. This time, however, we slept in pairs. I slept in Delano’s room. Aelita slept in Damian’s room.

I was on the floor with some blankets and a pillow in Delano’s room. Within a few minutes he was snoring away, fast asleep. I found it hard to get to sleep. My room was right next to his. I’m surprised I never heard his snoring before. Each snore rumbled my ears just enough to keep me awake. After about an hour of enduring this I walked to the bathroom, got a nose plug, walked back to Delano’s room, and stuck it on his nose. It ceased the rumbling at once.

I smiled and got under the blankets on the floor. This time a different thing kept me up. The fear of the person at the door. It terrified me to think about it. I closed my eyes and started counting sheep. One sheep, two sheep, three sheep…yawn…four sheep…five sheep…

CRASH! The glass door smashed into pieces and Delano and I were on our feet ready to attack. A figure walked through the now open doorway. I strained my eyes to see the people. One was a woman. The other was a man. I was sure of that. The woman had red hair I think. Maybe brown. The man had dark hair, impossible to distinguish. It was pitch black and impossible to see their faces. Suddenly they lunged at Delano and I. My brother evaded the man but the woman grabbed my shirt as I was getting out of the way. She tackled me and started tearing at my face. Before she could get a descent blow I managed to kick her off and into Delano’s wall, shaking the whole house. My family burst through the hallway door. Delano was wrestling with the man and I jumped at the woman, successfully punching her face back into the wall. My family members deduced what was happening and joined the fight. Cornelius and Elizabeth lunged at the man and Damian and Aelita came to assist me with the woman.

“Hold her!” I yelled at the two of them. Damian and Aelita each pinned one of her shoulders to the wall. I ran out the door and into my room. I crouched down and threw the box out from under my bed. I popped it open and grabbed the gun from it. The fight was still raging on as I returned to Delano’s room. But something was different. There were more of them now. Cornelius was wrestling with another man and Elizabeth was tackling a woman. Delano was still wrestling his, and Aelita and Damian were holding the woman. I aimed my gun at her and shot. The bang turned everyone’s head. All was silent. The shot had gone right through the woman’s chest. Her head wavered for a moment, and then fell. Damian and Aelita dropped her and she fell to the floor.

The three remaining intruders stared at the body, then looked at me and snarled loudly. They all lunged at me. I raised my gun and shot, not caring for aim. One of them fell to the ground. The other two were tackled by Delano and Aelita. The one I shot scrambled to his feet and ran out the broken glass door, out into the forest. The others quickly grabbed the body of the woman and fled as well.

I was out of breath, as was the rest of my family. We looked around at each other, unable to say anything. I looked around at the extensive damage to Delano’s bedroom. There was a huge dent of crumbling drywall and paint where I had kicked the lady, and a small hole in the dent where I had smashed her head. There were cracks and dents all over the room. The glass of a mirror was broken. The bed was smashed to bits. The glass door was completely obliterated.

We looked at each other again, and then stared at the forest.

Great!
It seems to go really fast though. I’m not sure whether that is good or not, or maybe it adds to the thrill of reading it.
It sounds quite good, but just one thing, never describe something as going CRASH! or BANG!
Describe the sound, it makes it far more interesting to the reader.
Happy writing

~floo

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